I see it daily in the Facebook poly or non-monogamy groups. It’s usually a man, rarely a woman, but the message is so familiar and confusing to me.
“I've been looking for X days/weeks/months and nobody responds. My partner is inundated with potential partners but I can’t find anyone but scammers or people interested in hookups! Where is my <insert hearts desire in their lifestyle choice>.”
I get it. It can be rough. Starting out, introverts, new to the lifestyle, most males, not traditionally attractive, or just plain desperate individuals have a hard time... because it shows. It shows when they meet someone, it shows on their dating profile on the apps, it sits on them like a clown suit and not many people find it attractive. Honestly, they really wouldn’t want anyone that DOES find it attractive.
There are thousands of dating experts that can guide you to finding a date. How to meet chicks, find a girl/guy, win the person of your dreams! They all make promises but they all have algorithms or use psychological tricks and rely on shady aspects of human interactions. I can share what works for me, but you might not want what I want. So let me share what I’ve learned. What I’ve seen in the lifestyles I’ve been in.
The most common problem, but not the only one, is impatience. For a lot of women in the poly lifestyle they can post an ad on a dating app and, literally, within an hour have hundreds of matches and a date setup for that evening. If they fit the modern or traditional beauty standards that society has set, within a certain height and weight ratio, then those numbers go up incrementally. If they just want a hookup or "No Strings Attached" playdate? Those numbers grow exponentially.
Meanwhile, their spouse or partner, might go months without anything more than a nibble. Or worse, several matches that result in nothing more than people that call them a cheater and then un-match them, or worse, report them on the app.
What I have experienced, and seen, is that patience wins the days. If you can relax and don't let this search become your sole purpose of existence, then your whole life is going to be better.
Yes, I get it. You are lonely / focused / horny / whatever. But here's something to consider. Do you want to find someone to add to your life who was empty that you had to fill? Or would you want a partner that was full where you came into their world as someone that added to their joy? Because those are two completely different relationships.
Even if you are just looking for someone that enjoys an occasional physical rendezvous, and you aren't looking for a romantic partner, you really don't want to find someone desperate. They aren't going to make a good lover. They'll make someone that is frantic, terrible in bed, desperate for approval, and quite possibly stalkerish after the physical tryst.
No... You do not want this in your life. Trust me. AND you do not want to BE that person. So take some time, focus on what you want, and give yourself a better shot at find the who you want to be AND the who you want to find.
You got this.
You have chosen the non-monogamous lifestyle because you have a desire for more. Whether it's more sex, more love, more partners, more experiences, whatever. More is in your vocabulary and your path didn't fit current societal standards.
Good for you. Welcome to Anarchy Level 1.
So let's a take a quick second and look at ourselves. What are we? What makes us tick? What are we offering to a potential partner / playdate? Are we a hot mess? So lonely that we can't function? Are we struggling to survive without someone to talk with? Someone to do something with? Do we need someone to validate our very existence? Are we happy with who we are? Do we have a solid selection of hobbies and interests? Outlets for our creative side? Are we comfortable with who we are?
I'm not saying we have to have perfected every aspect of our existence before we search out someone to spend time with. But we need to at least know what we are working with. We need to make sure that we are ready to be searching for the level of connection that we think we are ready for.
Dig deep and find those pieces of yourself that maybe you buried before you entered the non-monogamous reality. Are you a writer, crafter, reader, gamer, etc? Do you make, build, or create things? What about exercise? Do you walk, run, skate, bike? Re-engage those parts of who you have been that made you happy in your past. Find who you are now by exploring who you were.
A lot of times we will find that some of the emptiness we feel comes from a lack of fulfillment in ALL of our life, not just that polyamorous side of ourselves. I'm not saying your poly hunger is because you stopped reading those books, or going for walks. I'm saying that if you can rediscover the things that filled you up before, then when you DO find someone to add to your world you will not only have someone to do something with but... something to do with them, besides the fun stuff (obviously!).
When you are
desperate... I mean just starting out it's easy to get excited at the first nibble of interest. But if you have ever been fishing and you feel that first nibble, if you react too quickly, you've already failed. You've scared away any interested party. You have to learn the zen of dating. It's a simple mantra. Are you ready?
Communicate. Don't fixate.
I'm not saying to play games with those who show an interest. Just don't assume that someone showing interest is automatically your soulmate.
Also... don't put all your profiles in one app.
There are so many more... Create profiles everywhere, forget about profiles, make profiles for fun, whimsical profiles... because trust me. If you are frustrated and finding yourself at the end of your rope in your "search" for a date/SO/partner/whatever? You need a freaking break. Finding someone that connects with you in the way you need a connection shouldn't be driving you to post.
It should be something that is just another part of your world. Like a hobby.
But like all things on this site, this IS just my opinion. So feel free to take it, or leave it, as is. Just know that I've been there... I've had nobody messaging me, nobody texting me, nobody breaking down my door, and I was hungry for that 'more.' Yes, I was happily married with a new daughter... that didn't stop my heart from wanting something that wasn't there, something that neither my wife nor my daughter, nor my friends, nor my family could provide...
And in many different ways, over many different years, I have found it.
So if you're still following along, and you wanna give the Blinkster approach a try? Populate some profiles on some apps. Have fun with them. Don't worry about turning away some potential partners, because 'trust me' even your best profile will turn some away sometimes too. Remember, everyone has good days, bad days, good moments, and bad moments.
These apps that you are creating profiles on? You are literally expecting someone to be in the middle of their perfect moment, to see your picture popup, and then to take the time to read through your profile and think... Yes. I WILL swipe right.
Most likely, they are waiting at the elevator, talking to a coworker, checking their email, accidentally click on the app, up pops the app, up pops your picture and in that moment they have 2/3rds of a second to decide... Swipe right or left... and there's a HIGH LIKELIHOOD that their coworker is gonna jostle their arm and your profile just got swiped left.
Create some fun pics, have some friends take some fun pics, take a few serious ones, maybe get a boudoir shoot done? Hell, I offer boudoir shoots. If you don't enjoy putting together your profile, then you aren't going to enjoy the dating scene most likely. Things have changed from the days when your answering machine cassette tape could mangle any chance you had of getting that call back.
It's a whole new world. Breathe. Relax. Have fun.
I'll cover this topic more. But these tips are really the basics I try to share in the groups I'm in when I see these kinds of posts. It's frustrating to watch people, who could easily be finding what they are looking for, struggle to even find a chat buddy.
Believe it or not... It's not your weight, it's not your illness, it's not your hair (or lack thereof), it's not your orientation, it's not your anything... It's your desperation.
Nobody wants to be someone's EVERYTHING... Not even in monogamy. We all want to have our lives and SHARE THAT LIFE with someone else, not BE THAT LIFE for someone else.
You got this.
Peace, Love and Confidence