I’ve shared this story so few times, but each time is indelibly inked in my psyche because the story is raw… each… time… I tell it…
She was my first wife.
I met her at Fort Sill, which… had my recruiter or ANY of my fellow Marine’s done their job I would have been scared off of locals enough to never have thought to fall in love with her. But I did.
A Marine stationed on an Army base made me unique enough. But out of the Marines stationed there I think I stood out a little further. I had a library card. I never once entered a strip club nor a bar.
I visited the roller rink.
I had mastered the art of rollerblading in California. I had gone so far as to teach classes, ran a Roller Hockey league, and played in an adult team… The Killer Dolphins.
Yeah, I didn’t fit in with the other Marines.
They would get a hotel room to share, get plastered, bring girls back to their rooms, and have massive parties.
I went skating and sat in my room and read and drew.
And met her.
She was riding with her step-mother in the taxi. It was WAY before Uber existed. And she was there in the cab flirting with me as I drove from the rink to McDonalds. I might not have lived the lifestyle I do now, but I was confident and her number was mine before I was dropped off.
I was entranced by something about her…
Now I’ve come to understand there’s a part of me that notices damaged people. Back then I mistook it for an attraction.
A few years later we were married… and little Scotty was born.
My dad was a mess. I mean this on ALL levels you can mean such a statement. He still is. He raised me to follow one standard of living, one way of treating people, only to show that he doesn’t actually follow that in any imaginable standard of living. He raised me to follow a religion that has 42,000+ different ways of following it. Seriously. Over 42,000 ways. But only his way is the right one.
I have enough damage from that mess I could write whole books on that relationship.
Suffice it to say, when I discovered I was a father… something in me swiveled and changed. Parts of who I was changed, forever. I made decisions about who I was and who I would become based on this new being that I was becoming. I was not going to do things the way I had had them modeled for me. I had goals.
But the marriage I was in was a wreck. She was a wreck. I caught her cheating, almost made some life altering decisions for everyone involved. More permanent changes were put in place in my innermost sanctum sanctorum of who I was that are still there to this day because of how she betrayed our marriage.
A divorce forever altered how marriage would be perceived by me, and then I discovered drug use on top of things. Fearing for the safety of my child I started proceedings to get full custody of my son.
Little did I know that she had that one all wrapped up in a neat little package with a bow.
We were talking and I told her that she had made it clear our son wasn’t safe, I needed to get custody for his safety and I wasn’t doing it to hurt her. She laughed.
I still remember this moment.
I had one of those telephones with the long telephone cords and it was wrapped around my arms as I spoke, I was nervous and had been twining it around and around hoping she would snap out of whatever she was going through.
I asked her what was so funny, why didn’t she care about sharing custody of our child?
She said they wouldn’t give me custody.
I asked her why she was so certain.
She said because he most likely wasn’t even yours.
My stomach did things I didn’t know stomachs could do.
I didn’t throw up, but I did something similar.
Within a months time a genetic test using my traitorous blood declared me unfit in the eyes of the government to care for a child literally named after me. I did get divorced from her tho, and was free from her manipulations until 25 years later when she called me up out of the blue after finding me on Facebook wanting to hook up. That’s right… she thought things were peachy between us. I spent an hour unraveling her self delusion and explaining to her how things happened. Clueless has a goddess and it is her.
I remember it every year.
It hurts every year.
It’s been 27 years this year.
It still hurts.
I’m hoping that by sharing this… I can erase some of that pain. I can purge that sensation.
I still remember being there at his birth. I remember holding him when he cried, changing his diapers, feeding him. I remember sitting on the porch at his aunts boyfriends house and whispering stories to him, telling him how much I loved him, what his life would be like.
I promised him everything.
It was all a lie.
Every word was stripped from me.
Fatherhood was stolen from me by betrayal of the darkest kind.
Trust was damaged on a scale that has never quite healed in my heart, for anyone.
I turned 50 this year and I just kinda figured I wouldn’t hurt about that kid anymore. That the pain of losing my not-son would stop. It wouldn’t flounder in my heart and make me want to cry and mourn the loss of a child that was never even mine. That I could just let him go.
But so far, it sure hasn’t.
Here’s to hoping the pain can finally stop.
May all your children be YOUR CHILDREN and you never lose them no matter what. He might not have been my blood child, but he will always be my son, even if my blood says otherwise.
Peace, Love and Parenthood.
If you’ve been in any poly group online you’ve seen the post.
A couple looking for a third. And no, not an extra player for spades. Also, not “generally” a dude.
So a couple, a man and a woman, look for a woman to join them for fun in bed. And this is a controversial topic in MANY circles. And I mean it’s so controversial that even the muggles know about this stuff.
The Sun notes that the issues that arise are simply that the couple expects the unicorn to give up her freedom to explore except with them. On top of this, the couple has each other and keeps the third in seclusion, relationship wise, so if things don’t work out they always get to fall back on each other but she get’s to fall back on the door. For a British news organization for muggles, they nailed the common pitfalls with Unicorn Hunting fairly cleanly. Granted, they simplified everything also.
Urban DIctionary goes for the more ‘tongue in cheek’ swipe, but nails it on the head. Most hunters seem to have this kind of thought process AND they don’t seem to see the issues. In their minds they are a catch and worth every psychotic episode. BUT… again… it’s important here to remember, not every hunter fits these ridiculously overblown stereotypes. I’m not done tho… Let’s see what else is out there, in general.
Business Insider… yes, you are reading this right… Freaking Business Insider… got it the closest so far.
"The woman of the couple finds other people to socialise with, and the man realises he's not the centre of attention that he [thought he] would be, and thinks 'this isn't as much fun as I thought it would be,'" Sheff said. "These couples either blow up, [or] some of them return to monogamy... and she might have a little more clout than she used to. But if she really likes it, and he really can't stand it, they'll break up."
And they are right. The most common scenario is the straight male wants two women in bed with him, so he broaches the topic. He introduces the lifestyles to his partner. She starts to enjoy this sexual oasis, and as he starts to feel threatened and pulls the plug, she suddenly realises that ethical non-monogamy isn’t just a fling-thing for her. It’s a lifestyle she wants to explore. Maybe NEEDS to explore.
Suddenly the puzzle pieces of his life don’t quite fit back together the way he had hope they would.
They sum up some general arguments against Unicorn Hunting and honestly? They make solid points. Most situations where a couple are looking for a third that I have seen are couples who aren’t branching out into non-monogamy but rather are looking for a live sex toy.
Not all… yes, there are PLENTY of couples that want a valid human to involve in their life. You are obviously that couple, you are good people, you aren’t a nasty unicorn hunter… ahem…
If you want to know the truth?
It doesn’t matter.
I have watched monogamous people try on partners for size and discard them just as viciously. I’ve watched monogamous people adopt a person, avoid all romantic connectivity but care for and watch out for another person while enjoying a sexual and intimate relationship with them that was far more rewarding than any 50 years marriage.
It’s not about these attributes that people seem to cling to, if you ask me. Do they love them? Do they speak their love language? Are they compatible?
Are they happy with what they have?
Not perfectly, but happy. Are they? Is it safe, sane and consensual? Are they adults?
Then leave. it. the. fuck. alone.
Yeah, I could tear apart various aspects of emotional care being left out, whether the unicorn is being treated equally, whether the couple is using her, and so much more. And these ARE important questions that need to be asked, don’t get me wrong. But they don’t invalidate a connection. But we are dealing with adults. If a unicorn doesn’t care that the couple has ‘couples privilege’ why should you? If she enjoys the sexual energy being shared and knows that this situation could end soon? Then why do you care?
All relationships should be safe, sane and consensual. If they follow these guidelines then it’s between the adults to muddle through the middle ground of everything else.
Some people don’t want romance.
Some people just want sexual relationships.
Some people don’t want sexual relationships.
Some people just want romance.
Everyone is different.
And that’s fucking ok.
It’s always blown me away HOW MANY PEOPLE think it’s ok to tell others how to handle their relationships. It’s a HUGE part of why I’m a Relationship Anarchist. I’m not poly, I’m not monogamous, I’m not a swinger, I’m not whatever hole you want to snug me into. I am what I am. I do what I choose. My relationships are between myself and those I am involved with.
Yeah, I get it. Unicorns have been hurt by Unicorn Hunters. I’ve also known couples hurt by a partner. I think that the real issue here is education. Learn about ethical non-monogamy. Research the pitfalls, the common problems, the communication problems, the areas of concern, and be ready to discuss with EVERY partner. Just like you should with monogamy.
When any partnership, or couple, throuple, triad, polycule, gathering, crowd, incorporation or whatever you want to call your collection of lovers and signification others, is created there needs to be a discussion on the boundaries.
Are you open or closed?
Will your members be able to accept new members or the current roster the ONLY roster?
This is really the core issue with Unicorn Hunting. Most poly people find the hunters to be ‘fake’ poly. They see this ‘couple’ that ‘opens’ their marriage for a woman, and ONLY a woman, which means that the man is adding a partner generally. Sure, if the unicorn is bisexual and his partner is bisexual then all parties involved are gaining a partner as well. But in many cases it’s not uncommon to hear the couple is looking for a straight woman for their unicorn which means the man is getting a partner, and the woman is getting competition.
So with the man being the only person truly being poly in this kind of scenario, the issues that can arise are jealousy on behalf of his partner. Jealousy on behalf of the unicorn.
Then there’s OPP.
One Penis Policy. Meaning that the third is ONLY allowed to be a woman. This means that the man is setting all the rules for exploration and sexual enjoyment in the relationship. It creates an unequal standing for all involved as the man is the only person with power in the relationships being created and the women are just toys for his enjoyment. Which under certain circumstances can be perfectly fine, if all involved are ok with that. But usually when it happens it’s not something that everyone signed up for.
In many cases this is strategically done too. Because what man wants to allow his partner to explore and discover that his inadequacies are legion? Not just his sexual inadequacies, but emotional, mental, intelligence and more. If he adds a new partner that his girl can connect with emotionally and sexually and she discovers a partner that offers a connection with pieces that he doesn’t have? Due to trauma, immaturity, laziness, or whatever? That relationship won’t last long.
So open or closed? It’s important for so many reasons. These are questions that you should ask each other. Whether you are the unicorn or the hunters.
But there are so many more.
So yeah, I get it. Unicorn Hunting can end up with people hurt. ANY kind of relationships require communication. You constantly discuss how you feel, what you want to see, what you think is working, what you think isn’t working, and what you can work on together to make things better.
If someone isn’t able to honestly interact? If someone can’t treat your feelings as valid, as worth discussing, as important or vulnerable, then you. aren’t. safe. and. that. needs. to. be. addressed.
Too often I see couples where one is dismissed as childish, immature, or invalid because they get feelings, they are hurt, they have tears or strong emotions.
It’s sad because that’s what life is about. If you can’t understand that emotions are a part and parcel of our humanity then I’m unsure of what you are doing involved in a relationship with a thinking, feeling human because that’s what thinking, feeling humans do. They think and feel. It’s the job of a partner in that relationship to respect, value and interact with those emotions as tenderly and lovingly as possible.
I guess I just see so many aspects of Unicorn Hunting as that sliding scale. It’s not a black and white scenario. It’s not always bad, it’s not always good, it’s up to those involved to make it what they will.
Well, that’s all I have for today Blinksters. Unicorn hunters get a lot of flack, unicorns too. Don’t let people tell you what to do either way, whether you are screwing it up or if you’ve perfected the scenario. Nobody has anything perfected. There is no guidebook that has the answers, not even this blog, I know… shocking. We all have opinions and it’s up to you to read, learn, adapt, and grow.
If you can communicate and respect each other and keep things safe, sane and consensual? You’ll probably have a great time. If not? I’m gonna say that the pips are not in your favor on those dice.
So get out there and Hunt those unicorns if that’s your thing… or find your Unicorn Hunters if THAT’S your thing… but be smart about it either way.
Peace, Love and Horny Horse Heads
I wish I was dead.
Like for real. I would be dead if I hadn’t come up with the ‘Way of the Pips.’
I realized a long time ago that each day has the potential to be the best day I have had yet..
My daughter could be born, I could fall in love, get hired for my dream job, or more. Granted, it could also be the darkest day yet. My grandfather dying, a depression that spans the depths, becoming unemployed, realizing that Governor Stitt was my Governor. Things can go really wrong. But… they have the potential to go right as long as you roll the dice.
And each day that I wake up, is a day I can reset the slate and take a chance at getting the right roll of those dice of fate. Finding the right set of pips that puts my day on a great track.
Most likely? I get an average roll. Crappy or Decent, the day just doesn’t fly to the moon... or hell, but it’s ok. Because the day I stop rolling those dice? That’s the day that I give up on a perfect roll.
If I didn’t have this path, this ‘Way of the Pips,’ then I wouldn’t be here. I would have chosen the void over this world years ago. I am reasonably happy, but I struggle with a level of depression that’s too heavy. I spent a decade taking care of a spouse with MS and she paid me back by cheating on me. I guess working 3 jobs to provide for her didn’t provide me enough time with her.
Now my life is a constant struggle. I try to fill it with Sissyphus level of personal tasks, things I try to keep occupied with that are interesting and fun, but it gets so hard some days to find anything resembling joy. My daughter is about it next to my partners, and it’s a struggle with all of that as well. I work on it daily and the pips reward me a lot of the time, but life is really hard with bipolar AND being married to someone with bipolar.
So the ‘Way of the Pips’ sustains me, gives me focus and allows me to pursue breathing.
Which I do.
How do you combat sadness? Depression? Rough times?
Leave a note in the comments, I’d love to hear from ya.
In the meantime try out the way of the pips, it works for everyone… one more day after today… roll those dice. Order a T-shirt if you want.
Peace, Love and Pips
Welcome to Part 3 of Sexiquette. Where the irreverent Reverend Blink attempts to give you some Sexiquette on the how to’s of visiting a sex club, in this particular instance, a Dungeon!
I’ve been to Dungeons and Swinger clubs and enjoyed both. They each have their own Sexiquette, rules, and expectations of members and patrons. So besides reading up on what is expected at the location you are going to, this is my opinions and experiences on the general guidelines and helpful tools for you.
The Swinger clubs I’ve visited have been fun places. In general, everyone was there to socialize. They might not have been there to hook up, despite the nature of the club, but they WERE there to hang out, meet up, and have fun. Think of a regular club with your tits out.
The atmosphere was relaxed but spicy. It all depended on the general mood, or theme, of the party and how the week was for the most part, for those who were attending. I’ve seen fairly relaxed parties where most people were just like “Ahhhhhhhh… I’m not at fucking work…” and parties where everyone was like “I’m here to fuck until I die!”
The Sexiquette at a swinger club is a little less involved. I believe it’s in part due to the nature of swinging. There’s no real rules in place, outside of whatever the individual couple has established between themselves,
We’re all adults here and sexual health is either important to you or it isn’t. But when it comes to swingers the attitudes I’ve seen have been wildly mixed. Some couples only do X while some never do X as it pertains to protection, so I would never hope to assume a sexual health protocol for anyone. You have to decide what works for you and your health and what doesn’t. Figure it out, decide how far you will bend or waver, and don’t go past that. Also figure out how often you are getting tested. Some couples require current testing results before they play. SOME couples require getting to know you over a few weeks, or months, before ever getting naked with you, so don’t assume anything.
Some couples have specific protocols for how they communicate. They consider someone from the other sex talking with their SO to be not ok. They want all communications to go through them. Some wingman for their SO and will approach you if they think you are a good fit, appearance-wise, for their partner. Some only play as a couple and some only play separately and some have some random assortments of interests in between. So be ready to move slow, talk lots, and just relax.
Whether you bring someone with you, or meet someone there. Don't try to "convince" them that they should do, or try, or experiment, with something or someone that they continue to push back against. It's creepy.
Consent is king.
Have the conversation. Talk. Communicate. But don't push. If someone says no, don't push. It makes you look REALLY bad to those around you. No one wants to play with the person that can't take a no, especially at a sex club.
So whether it's your spouse or someone you just met... if they say no? Either be ready to let it go or know how to communicate correctly, for all of us within listening distance.
Above all, like Lebowski said, just chill man.
A swinger club can be a lot of fun, outside of the sex and trust me, the sex I've seen can be outrageous and amazing. The people there are literally primed for a good time in ways that muggles just aren’t. So come to have a good time, don't expect to get lucky, and you'll most likely walk away smiling.
I've had great times at sex clubs and I've had bad times. If I had to say what made them both?
The bad times were when I had expectations. If I thought something "should" happen, then it didn't matter what DID happen, I would end up unhappy. There's always a problem with expectations in my opinion, especially when they are there without someone promising them to you.
The good times were when I just went with the flow, especially when I also went with fun people. It didn't matter if we played or just hung out. Swinger clubs are a blast!
So I hope this helps. I hear a lot of people ask what it's like and what to expect. Each club is, of course, different but I think I covered the basics that should fit all clubs in these articles. If you have comments or questions, don't hesitate to leave me a note in the comments below!
Either way, support your local club! Have fun, safe and consensual.
Peace, Love and Swing away...
p.s. Before you leave, I would love to know if you've visited a sex club before? Fill out the form and let me know a little about the visit?
Welcome to Part 2 of Sexiquette. Where the irreverent Reverend Blink attempts to give you some Sexiquette on the how to’s of visiting a sex club, in this particular instance, a Dungeon!
I’ve been to Dungeons and Swinger clubs and enjoyed both. They each have their own Sexiquette, rules, and expectations of members and patrons. So besides reading up on what is expected at the location you are going to, this is supposed to be a general guideline and helpful tool for you.
If you are visiting a dungeon then it’s quite likely that you’ve been vetted already. This means you’ve been given the rules and regulations for how to act. What things you can bring, what you can and can’t wear, and acceptable activities and dynamics. You’ve passed some kind of background check, good for you. And now it’s time to don your gear, grab your toy bag and head to the darker place in your city of choice.
So now that we have covered the basics for most clubs, in our Part 1 of this series, let’s cover some Dungeon Sexiquette basics.
Everyone at the Dungeon is there to use the equipment. They’ve been planning their scene. Texting back and forth, pumping themselves and their submissive/Dom up with ideas and flirtations and pics and more, for the last week or longer. This night is a culmination of LOTS of hungry thoughts and desires FINALLY come true.
But just like at the arcade, if someone else is playing the video game? You have to put your quarter on the machine and wait your damn turn.
Did I just date myself? Maybe. It’s not like anyone else will.
The point is, it’s time to wait.
If the scene playing out before you isn’t your style and you’re bored? Maybe it’s too soft, or hard, for your taste? That’s ok. Your scene will be the same for someone else. Bring a book, sketchbook, draw and read or meditate. Whatever you need to do. Just take a deep breath and wait. your. turn.
Make sure you are aware of who else might already be waiting too. Not everyone is OBVIOUSLY waiting in the right place, if you see a couple, or group, sitting off to the side when you enter an occupied area? Maybe ask if they are waiting to use the area after it’s done.
Just be polite and respectful and make sure to wait your turn.
When you are done, most likely the Dungeon will have someone that will clean the areas anyway. But whether thats true, or not, clean your space. I would recommend cleaning it before use as well. You never know how well the last scene was cleaned before you got there. The last thing you want is to catch “something” regardless of what that “something” may, or may not, be. Covid isn’t the only scary thing passing around in this wonderful world of ours, and it’s not the only thing you can catch from an improperly cleaned Dungeon equipment item.
Just keep things clean, especially after yourself, but probably don’t trust the last person to clean the equipment you are about to use and clean before you use as well. It’s just smarter. It’s polite to clean after your use as well.
Most Dungeons will have rules about how far you need to stand when watching others scene. But do everyone a favor and stand a little father. If you’ve never scened in a public space, or around strangers, trust me when I say it can get disconcerting to have a stranger intrude on your scene. It can pull a Dom or a submissive straight out of their D/s-space quickly and destroy their scene faster than you can say their safeword.
So don’t do it. It’s not only rude, it can get you kicked out or banned from that Dungeon. Even if you technically obeyed the rules for the Dungeon. You never know WHO you are disrupting, it could be the best friend, lover, or favorite submissive of the Dungeon owner that you are causing grief for at that very moment.
In a Dungeon there is going to be a caste system, class system, a hierarchical system of power that is unique from most places you will visit. The odd thing is it can evaporate and re-form at will depending on location and timing. See everyone there will (most likely) be involved in a power-exchange relationship of some kind or another. They are either a Dominant or Submissive in some way or another.
When they are scening, or preparing to scene, or post scening… they will most likely be in that mindset. Very much in Dom or Submissive headspaces. So a Dom is going to expect to be talked to respectfully, or least politely. A submissive will expect to be treated the same, or to be ignored at the least.
And then there’s the social areas where suddenly the power-exchange can suddenly disappear. And that Dom that demanded their sub defer to them in all ways even to the point of avoiding eye contact is suddenly laughing and joking with them, even hugging and kissing maybe.
So to be on the safe side, just ignore acting submissive unless spoken to, and be polite to Dominants. You aren’t in a power exchange relationship with them, so you don’t have to submit, but just avoid any hassles and treat them like you want to be treated. Hopefully, they’ll treat you the same.
Ok, I get it. If this is your first time it’s going to be overwhelming. Whips and chains and floggers, oh my. Not to mention the leather gear and nipples everywhere. It’s like a porn video exploded all over you. And it can be overwhelming. Just practice keeping your head moving around so you don’t focus on anyone person, or body part, longer than is natural.
Trust me, it’s fairly fantastic. The mind can get lost in a dungeon. The ideas, the beauty, the leather… *drool*
But do not stare. It’s rude.
Which brings us to the last sexiquette for Dungeons, it’s close to keeping an open mind...
Look. BDSM is a wide ranging string of dynamics. Some men like to dress up in nun outfits and be sexually overpowered by women in priest outfits. Some women like to be held down while struggling and ravaged sexually. There’s leather, anal probes, floggers, knives, and more for those who with an interest.
Your interest may not line up with someone elses… but someone elses may not line up with yours, neither.
The important thing to remember is, if you don’t like what someone else is doing?
Then don’t do that thing.
But certainly don’t give them grief about doing it.
As long as things are Safe, Sane and Consensual? Leave others alone.
So, your visit to the Dungeon should be just fine. Yeah, you’ll make a faux paus. Maybe not today, maybe not next time, but it’ll happen. Don’t worry about it. Just try not to be malicious and it’ll work out fine.
Read the rules, keep your record clean, and practice consent.
Make sure you don’t forget anything at the Dungeon when you leave, clean up after yourself and your partner(s), be polite and patient and you’ll have a good chance of enjoying yourself to the fullest.
I’ve had over two and a half decades of experience in the BDSM world. I’ve been to dungeons, house parties, classes, training sessions, and more. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed 95% of every experience I have ever had in the lifestyle and I blame that enjoyment on these Sexiquette guidelines. So hopefully they help you too.
Just make sure you pack your toy bag up after you are done. There’s nothing more terrifying than realizing you left your $75 flogger and $100 cane set because you weren’t paying attention, because most Dungeons don’t necessarily stay open 24/7 and you might have to wait awhile before you can get those back.
Peace, Love and Floggers.
p.s. Before you leave, I would love to know if you've visited a sex club before? Fill out the form and let me know a little about the visit?
In 1947 Rudolf Schenkel wrote about wolves and created a freaking phenomenon that would alter the course of history, for toxic masculinity. David Mech, the world's most profiled wolf researcher, realized this was a mistake and has been trying to change this. He still is, to this day.
Rudolf wrote about these wolves who created this violent hierarchical social structure.The Alpha male kept control, there were beta males, omega males, all of the greek alphabet eventually made it into this mix. Whether Rudolf had anything to do with the expansion letters or not is irrelevant. The point is, it became the thing. Men of the 1950’s had these animalistic totem animals they could identify as… which, if you’re following today's trans issues, is REALLY funny.
But it has been the standard for so long, even to today. It’s the foundation for what is known as toxic masculinity. This idea that in order to be a good male, you have to be: aggressive; dominant; assertive; take control of your mate; control your pack (kids) with brutal decisiveness; eat first; act like your gender and make sure your mate acts like theirs; etc… All of these ridiculous notions bled out around these concepts, from what I’ve seen
Sure, other societal factors fed into it as well. But, I’ve watched countless online discussions where people defend acting like the douche because that’s what wolves do in nature and they are just being alpha males so, “deal with it.”
The problem was that Rudolf was studying wolves in captivity. Captured, kept in tiny enclosed spaces. These were terrified and anxious creatures. They weren’t the free and noble creatures that wild wolves are. Mech has noted that in nature, the wild, that wolves don’t form these hierarchies Rudolf identified because packs generally consist of two parents of their own children. The leaders of the pack are literally mom and dad.
There’s no Alpha male and female wolf, it’s just the parents. Any aggression seen is mom and pops spanking the kids, the amount of food doled out? It’s based on what they feel is appropriate. Aggressive towards a male adult? It’s probably courting one of their daughters.
All of the posturing that 1950’s men passed down to their son’s about how a man is supposed to act, because they believed in this Alpha male concept is just… wolf-shit. Literally.
Pack leaders make sure their kids eat, protect older members, watch out for the younger ones, they don’t kill their own kids, and they sure don’t need to assert dominance anymore than ANY father needs to against his own son, or towards an interested male poking his nose around one of his daughters. They just lead by example, showing how to hunt, how to feed yourself, how to do things.
All of the toxic masculinity traits we see are literally men acting like scared, damaged, captured wolves.
It’s frustrating. Because humanity can be so much more.
We can learn from nature. Watching wolves is amazing. They nurture their young, accept them for who they are. Play with them, feed with them, train them, and so much more. So don’t be fooled. Alpha males aren’t. It’s a damaged concept.
"By continuously controlling and suppressing all types of competition within the same sex, both ‘alpha animals’ defend their social position."Rudolf Schenkel
As early as 1947, Schenkel mentioned that it was possible that wild wolf packs consisted of a monogamous pair, their puppies and one- to two-year-old pups. But this information was overlooked.
These outdated ideas, ideas literally proven wrong by researchers much more qualified and trained, they need to die off. They need to be replaced by the true ideas of the nurturing wolf parents.
David Mech studied wold packs on Ellesmere Island in Canada for 13 summers. He was able to get close enough to study them up to 3 feet away at times, over several years. His discovery led him to struggle to dismiss these outdated Alpha Male and Female concepts with a passion due to the fact that what was usually the “Alpha Male and Female” were just mom and dad.
“Dominance fights with other wolves are rare, if they exist at all. During my 13 summers where I observed the pack, I saw none.”Mech wrote in an article entitled “Alpha Status, Dominance, and Division of Labor in Wolf Packs”.
So let’s do what we can to put to rest this ridiculous notion of the ‘Alpha Male.’ It’s based on studies of damaged, captive and unhealthy animals. A true “Alpha Male’ according to the historically accurate studies would be a deranged lunatic wolf. Not a healthy, happy leader of a pack.
I’ve been a huge fan of wolves throughout my life. I’m quite thrilled to know they are actually kinder than most humans in fact, going so far as to raise their kids with more compassion than the average American family as far as I can tell. Accepting them for all that they do, letting them chase butterflies or hunt mice regardless of what gentalia they may carry.
Let’s be more like wolves.
Peace, Love and Howl at the Moon
You’ve finally decided it’s time. You’ve been contemplating visiting that sex club you’ve learned about. You have had friends talk about it, your partner has discussed it, maybe you just learned and it’s that Friday night and you need something to do that changes your world for the ‘More Interesting?’
Whatever your reasons, if you’ve never been? There’s an etiquette for acting that is fairly universal at a sex club that is different from every other type of club.
This isn’t a strip club with extra steps.
This isn’t an adult movie theatre with additional options.
This is a bona fide sex club and it is going to require you to not act like a fool. Trust me. I watch people act like a fool and burn their chances on a regular basis. I work security at a swinger club and newbies are fairly regular these days with covid relaxing in America. We literally have, on average, about 4 new couples each weekend. The most I’ve seen so far was 7 new couples and on that night they were ALL brand new to the lifestyle AND to our club. It was a fun night!
It doesn’t matter what kind of club you visit, dungeon, swinger club, etc. If it’s a sex club, there are some basic sexiquettes that will help make your visit an enjoyable one.
If you don’t know the people you are interacting with, don’t touch them without asking.
Most people at these clubs are perfectly fine with being manhandled, groped, felt up and more, but only after being asked. Nobody really wants to be touched by someone they don’t like and you never know if you are someone they like unless you ask, or get to know them first.
It’s as simple as, “You are gorgeous/handsome, do you mind *gestures with hands*?”
You don’t have to go overboard with asking consent, you just have to ask consent.
Granted? If you want to go farther? Take your time and get to know them. That consent could lead you to a more interesting situation depending on what you, and they, are looking for.
If you show up to a club expecting to get lucky, you are bound to have a bad experience.
Yes. This is a sex club.
Yes. Everyone is (generally) there to have sex.
HOWEVER, not everyone is there (necessarily) to have sex with YOU.
There are people there to meet up with specific partners, some are there to meet people in real life that they’ve been talking with through apps or online, make new friends and create new friendships that might lead to new connections, or more.
There are even couples that aren’t in the lifestyle who don’t want to get a $100+ dollar hotel room. They’ve got kids, got a babysitter, they want live porn with the other club goers, access to a bed, and that’s it.
So don’t go on your first night and expect anything other than a relaxed meet and greet night. Plan to meet people, get to know as many as you can. Find out where people are meeting online, what Facebook groups, or Fetlife, or whatever apps they are using and what groups on those apps, and see if you can get an invite. This is how connections are forming these days.
But don’t expect to show up and blow up.
It’s possible. I’ve seen it happen. But it’s not the norm.
Every partnership at these clubs is different. Some people are in polycules, some are married couples, some are single, some are solo poly, some are immortal vampires, so you want to approach everyone respectfully. Ok, I made that last one up but my point still stands. Don’t approach and just aggressively pursue a fuck-fling. Take a minute and get to know some basics about this person you are interested in. Is there someone else you should be talking to first? Some spouses/poly-members prefer to be approached before EVER contacting their partner about potential playtime. Some spouses prefer to be the sole-wingman seeking out the potential partners and don’t care for anyone to approach their significant other at all.
I never said this was easy. Everyone has their own way of doing this, you’re gonna fuck it up on some level, I’m just trying to help you fuck it up the least damaging way possible.
Condoms. Dental Dams. Morning After Pills. Whatever you are most concerned about.
Nobody is out there worried about your sexual health as much as YOU should be.
This IS a sex club so MOST LIKELY you are dealing with people who test regularly, are healthy, and know their status. Which is ALSO why they MIGHT NOT be interested in taking on someone they don’t know. ( See Lowered Expectation above. ) You are an unknown. Walk in and grab someone's attention and then get to the right moment and suddenly show how clueless you are by NOT having condoms and you might find that party moment closing pretty quick.
But do everyone, yourself included, and get an STI/STD test before going. For YOUR knowledge and well-being as well. Ask the clinic to test you for EVERYTHING too, not just the standard. There are several STDs that they don’t test for because of their prevalence, like herpes. It’s so common that unless you ask? They don’t test. So ask!
I’m not saying to bring your test results? But would it hurt?
Ok. You are going to a sex club. And it’s your first time. And it’s exciting.
But trust me… If you act like a kid in a candy store? It’s going to paint that picture ALL OVER YOU… it’s ok to be excited, but don’t go overboard. Have fun, but be patient. Talk with people, have fun, have a few drinks if the club is drink friendly but DON'T GET DRUNK. You want to be able to go back and you can’t do that if you get banned. Just be patient.
This isn’t a strip club. This isn’t an adult movie theatre. The attendants at a sex club are there to strip beds, clean up, and look pretty. That’s it. The other customers aren’t there for your pleasure neither. If you happen to enjoy looking at them? Awesome! If they happen to enjoy you looking at them? Even better! But they DON’T OWE YOU ANYTHING.
Be patient. Be cool. Do not act the fool.
Trust me, the fool gets banned.
In the fuckroom people are having fun. It’s fun to watch too. You know what isn’t fun? When you are in the middle of having sex and some stranger you don’t know decides to get right up next to you and blows your concentration which means you don’t get to blow your load. It’s some serious bullshit.
So keep your fucking distance. If you aren’t invited to join a party on the bed then don’t get within 6 feet of that bed, if you can help it.
This is one of the more simpler sexiquettes.
I served in the Marines… yeah, it was a million years ago… But I still remember the 3 S’s.
Shit. Shower. Shave.
Do those. Please. For everyone that will be in the same room with you when you get naked. ESPECIALLY for the person you are getting naked with. Clean that willy or va jay jay.
This is another of the more simple sexiquettes. It SHOULDN’T have to be said. Sadly, it does.
Ok. As someone that works at a swinger club, I deal with this one way too much.
If you want to chat? There is GENERALLY a chat area. I can also pretty much GUARANTEE you that area is NOT where people are having sex. So please don’t interrupt the sexy vibe, for those trying to enjoy themselves, by talking! If you can’t help yourself and you just HAVE to chat? Go outside, to the bar, to home, to the Library… I don’t really care. Just anywhere OTHER THAN where. people. are. having. sex.
At least I hope not… That would be WAY weird. But my point is, clean up after yourself. Yeah, there is most likely an attendant, but PLEASE don’t make them pick up your used condoms or your gum. Don’t. Just take a few moments after you are done with the bed and check everything, phone, watch, socks, underwear, earrings, etc.
Throw away anything that’s nasty and then head out.
You had fun, pick up after yourself, and move on out so the next couple can do so as well!
Super simple. Not that big of a deal.
Last, but not least, is the most important.
Tip your attendants. They are dealing with your sex-soaked sheets, left over condoms, those drinks you were NOT supposed to bring into the fuckroom, your advances, and more. I can guarantee you they are NOT making enough money doing what they do.
Leave them a tip. JUST the tip. Not your number, not a kiss, just a tip.
And yes… I get that I made an entendre. Sue me. It’s my blog. I’m a pervert.
After a night at the sex club, whether you’ve gotten lucky or not, I’m willing to bet you will have had a good time. There are not many clubs where you can watch people have sex, see that many people completely naked, nor discuss sex so freely. It’s quite liberating actually… or at least it is for me.
But there comes that fateful hour where you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay there.
Hopefully you’ve got some new Facebook friends, found a new group to join on Kik or Mewe, and are already texting a new hottie or two. If not, there’s always next time.
I’ll advise you to not give up if your first night is a complete bust.
Having worked at a swinger club for awhile and been a patron for years, my wife and I both, I can tell you honestly that I’ve seen party nights that were just dead and party nights that made debauchery look tame. Give it a second and a third go. Find out what theme nights are coming up and ask the owner, staff, or patrons, what the best parties to visit are and then come on those nights next time.
I’m not gonna promise that you will have fun, I’m not gonna promise that you’ll get laid, and I’m not gonna promise that it’ll be fun. You might just be someone that doesn’t fit into this lifestyle. But if you can follow the sexiquette I list out here? I can tell you that your chances of having fun and finding a fun partner, or partners even, will go up exponentially.
Go out there… check out that club… Find what you are looking for…
I’ll be working security at mine every Saturday from 8pm to 2am.
Peace, Love and Sexiquette
p.s. Before you leave, I would love to know if you've visited a sex club before? Fill out the form and let me know a little about the visit?
The alarms are screaming and I almost can’t block out the noises, people are moving around at an excited pace. Cubicles exploding with stuttered exclamations of shock and fear.
“What the fuck! Server 2 is infected now!”
“Has someone pulled the cable yet? Would that even help?!”
“I’ll piss on a node if it’ll help! Can someone lock down the supply network? It’s showing signs of infection already!”
You could hear the fear in the SecOp’s voice.
It’s another hack attempt, and this one seems to be quite successful in comparison to others. It’s nothing as simple as the former DDoS attacks that everyone was used to, this was something new. We aren’t even sure we know what it is.
Files are just disappearing. Icons reappearing in their place that are flashing animations of pokemon in various stages of copulation with alphanumeric symbols. It was… disturbing on multiple levels.
Management was crawling, practically biting their nails, unsure of whether to wade in and swing fists while yelling at the I.T. crowd or cross their fingers and let the I.T. guys handle it.
If you haven’t worked in Technology Security then you aren’t aware of how insane a breach can be. Whether it’s an ignorant user, bad tech, failed software, poor security, or just bad management, it’s raw nerves and painful fear as people fight to stop the danger and keep their jobs simultaneously. Neither tends to work in some cases.
That’s why FHMG has brought you the Thin Green Line. It’s that reminder that your company, government office, brand or business sometimes sits on the brink of extinction based on the competency of your security team. Whether it’s their ability to lock things down, clean things up, or learn from a successful attack.
The mood seemed to shift and a quiet awe shifted. Someone screamed out “Oh my god yes!”
I ran over to see who said that and what I saw defied all imagination.
That little Pikachu that was performing a very illegal sexual act on 3 Japanese Kanji characters on Dave’s screen screamed in terror as a purple ball flew onscreen and nailed it dead center. The Pikachu vibrated for a moment then faded from view. Someone yelled for me and I dashed across the cubicle aisle.
There was our newest SecOp employee, Ash. His baseball cap backwards, hands flying furiously across his keyboard as if he was one with the keys. Suddenly a purple ball formed onscreen and tore offscreen no longer to be seen. Shortly after another “YES!” was heard across the office. After a few more of these I started to have hope.
It turned out that Ashes custom MasterBall app was perfect for dealing with the Pokee-mon virus we had been hit with. He got a nice little bonus, we upgraded our system, packaged his app in our services, and became the only sales team offering defense against that nasty bug. Just another day in the city of Kalos.
Get your gear here!
Do you work in IT Security? Then you OBVIOUSLY need a Thin Green Line shirt to show the world that you are that last line of defense between them and the digital apocalypse. Grab a flag for your office, a mug for your desk, a pin for your backpack and more. If you’ve got ideas for more merch that you need? Let us know. We’ll get it to you.
In the meantime, make sure your anti-virus is up to date, don’t open that email unless you know who it’s from, and for GOD’S SAKE stop browsing Facebook on the company computer!
Peace, Love and 01
We’ve all seen it.
That friend, family member, or just someone we know who is in a relationship and they do for their SO (Significant other) but that SO doesn’t ‘do’ for them?
Maybe they care for them, take care of them, clean, cook, work, etc. Maybe it’s an emotional give, maybe it’s sexual, maybe it’s something else. But it’s always one-sided.
I know that for a decade of my life I was in this kind of lifestyle. I worked 3 jobs to care for a loved one because they “couldn’t” work. Only to find out after the relationship dissolved, and my anxiety went off the charts with worry for them and their ability to care for themself, that they picked up work and did just fine. A ‘DECADE’ of my life that I consider worked to death. The amount of life I gave up for them because they couldn’t do anything only to discover they just didn’t WANT to do, and were happy for ME to do.
But… I learned a lot about myself in that time. What I was capable of.
With bipolar and ADHD you struggle with things that most people consider simplicity itself. Now, granted I didn’t know I had either at the time. But I know I never could lock down those things that most people found difficult but doable. College, Marriage, 2.5 kids, Job, Car, Vacations, Family Life, and more.
These things bewildered me. I just assumed that I sucked at ‘regular’ life. And in a way? I did.
Sure… I learned how to spin fire, I can write, draw, do photography, paint, sculpt, program in over 15 languages, build web maps, websites, graphic art, I’m ordained and do weddings, and so much more. My skillsets are legion. When it comes to creating things? I’m off the charts. But those mundane, regular life things? Mystical to me.
So those years of caregiving were stolen from me, true. But I learned that I could do ALL of that AND I did it with style. Panache. Grace and Zen.
The trick I’ve learned is the struggle has to be shared. Your SO doesn’t have to do half of X that you do. They have to BE half of the partnership. Whatever they can do, they should. Whatever they want to do, they should be allowed to do as long as it’s within the boundaries of the relationship. You have to work together. Communication should rule the day, not frustration and argumentation. If one of you is yelling at the other and you can talk calmly? The questions needs to be asked as to ‘Why?’
I’ve never understood yelling at an equal.
Whether it’s an employee, partner, child, or otherwise. All humans are equal. So what gives one human the right to yell at another? What gives one human the right to raise their voice at another? What special privilege allows one human to demean the spirit of another human and require submission by the other outside of a D/s relationship?
Sure, if you are a Dom and they are your submissive and they ENJOY that kind of dynamic? Yell as much as they want. But no child, employee, nor partner deserves to be yelled at.
This is a shared struggle, this life. This path we all share is a human experience with no rules, no guarantees, nothing that says one person deserves more rights than another so why do some people assume more rights than another? This is why I embrace anarchism as an ideology. It equalizes all humans and demands equal treatment.
So share your struggle with your partner. Demand they do the same. Don’t be left holding the tools, doing all the work, carrying all the load. If it’s not shared? Then you are a babysitter of an adult child. And if so? I hope you are getting paid for that service.
Sex can be a key component of a relationship. Not always, there are asexual relationships. Asexual partners.
Fly those asexual flags and make those relationships work. Hell, there’s aromatic relationships as well.
The point is, equity is what is important. But… for the sake of this post, I want to discuss sexual equity. If your relationship is a sexual one, I wanted to discuss the sexual dynamic as I’ve seen it played out at the club, in my friends lives, and more.
Too often I hear in the BDSM community, especially from new submissives, that their Dom expects their submission to come in the terms of ‘taking care of the Dom’ and any sexual release of the submissive is left for the submissive to handle on their own after the Dom is fast asleep, or headed out to the bar after the scene.
I just kinda try really hard to hide my shocked face when this comes up.
But it’s not just BDSM that this comes up in. I know plenty of vanilla and ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamists) who find partners that seem to find some way to justify getting off at the expense of their partner and then leaving their partner to care for their own needs sans them (without them involved).
There are situations where this might fly. If your partner has some sort of medical situation, struggles to get off, can’t seem to get past their anxiety, or whatever… and they require a soft touch and sometimes can’t function and sometimes hit their point and can’t assist? Sure. I can get behind that. However, this is why vibrators were invented. This is why the dildo was created. This is why the pocket pussy was made.
If your partner gets off and then can’t, for WHATEVER reason get you off with their body? Maybe they have arthritis and their hands don’t work right? Maybe they have ED and their penis doesn’t function? Maybe they have a prolapsed vagina and sex is painful after orgasm?
Have them … Use. A. Toy.
Sex isn’t about service. Loving sex isn’t. Sure, again, there are situations where service sex can BE about service. Hell, there is birthday sex, quickies, dirty backseat car sex where only one person can POSSIBLY get off because someone is pulling up next to you in the parking lot and holy shit we have to go right now!!!
But… if your partner is CONSTANTLY leaving you to take care of yourself? A conversation is necessary. A hard discussion needs to be had. It doesn’t have to be EQUAL. Not everyone CAN meet you halfway physically, emotionally, mentally… this is what EQUITY means.
Equity : the quality of being fair and impartial.
A paralyzed partner can’t do as much for you physically, but emotionally and mentally they can still meet you. They can still be a part of your world and connect, and if you want a meaningful relationship with someone that isn’t your equal in all aspects of their humanity and yours? You need to work together to create the equitable connection.
Find the connection point, how to meet, how to make those needs get met in a way that everyone can walk away happy and content as possible.
If I’ve learned anything in my ‘almost’ 50 years of life it’s that communication stabilizes EVERY type of relationship. Whether it’s business, personal, familial, or whatever. Talk. About. It.
In one of my favorite book series, the Wheel of TIme, Eye of the World, Chapter 3, the father (Tam Al’Thor) of my favorite character (Rand Al’Thor) is discussing heretical topics with another character (Padan Fain). Padan Fain tries to sway the conversation away saying they shouldn’t discuss such things, to which Tam Al’Thor says, "I never saw or heard or smelled anything that couldn't be talked about."
Truer words were never spoken.
Deciding that certain topics are off limits is how resentment, discouragement, impatience, unhappiness and much worse begins to grow within the heart of those around. If you want to create the cracks that will dissolve a relationship just declare that you will not discuss certain things, ever.
There is literally no reason for this.
So talk… find a safe way to talk and talk.
Get a marriage counselor, find an unbiased third party and talk, get a union rep and talk… but talk.
Nothing improves by ignoring it.
You can do this Blinksters. You got this. The world is open and exploding before you eyes. The stars are revolving around your very world.
Find your power, find your peace, find your voice, and speak.
I believe in you.
Peace, Love and Articulation