I've got Bipolar 2. I've got ADHD.
Those of us who struggle with mental health issues, with mental illness, we refer to ourselves as neurodivergent. Those of you who do NOT struggle we refer to as Neurotypicals. NT's don't get it. You have bad days, but you can climb out of it with meditation, or a quick jog, or listening to the right song. Hell, you can tell yourself to get over it and it works.
We can't. Not always.
We take medications to try to mimic your regular days. We take medications so that we can try to meditate. So that we can try to go for a job. So that we can listen to music. Without medication our life is a roll of the dice, for some of us even WITH medication, we live on a rollercoaster because, especially with bipolar, medications can just stop working. Our brains adapt and suddenly... without warning... those medications that we've come to rely on to feel semi-normal, to be able to function day-to-day, to be able to get up and go to work, to maintain our daily lives, our jobs, our classes if we are in school, our relationships, our families... those medications just. stop. working. and suddenly we are plummeting, free fall, and nothing we can do stops our minds from guaranteeing us that life is over.
Today, for instance, I'm in free fall. I had a great night last night. Great convo, great company, great turnout at the club, and over all it was amazing.
Then today, my depression kicks in. My SO went through her own turmoil and it triggered my mental health and now I'm crashing. My limbs went from normal to dead weights. My brain deadened. My feelings and emotions darkened. My desire to live was snuffed. It doesn't matter how I felt last night, it doesn't matter that I was excited more than normal about life last night, it doesn't matter that I've been taking my meds regularly, it only matters that my mental health decided to say, Fuck you.
Who do I tell? What do I do? I can't afford healthcare? I can't afford a therapist. My SO can and I've literally watched her therapist cancel 3 visits in a row. I watched her therapist fail her regularly. I have watched her therapist give her shitty advice and do nothing of value. I've had a therapist. She asked me questions but never offered advice. She listened but never suggested. I never received tools to use to work through my struggles. I never got help, just someone who listened and observed like I was some kind of bug under a microscope. It was worthless.
This Too Shall Pass.
That's my motto. That's how I survive. That's my tool. I know for a fact that each day is a roll of the dice. I know that if I wake up tomorrow I am rolling the dice. I could have the best day of my life. I could have the worst. But most likely I will have an average day.
But... if I don't wake up? If I give up. If I don't roll those dice... then I never give those pips a chance. I never have hope of that best day, nor even a good day.
The day will come when I stop breathing. When I am no more. When I can finally sleep that forever sleep. And believe me, I have made my peace with death. I do not fear her, I am ready. But I am not racing towards her. Because...
This Too Shall Pass.
So tomorrow is coming. Tonight I sleep. My battle with my brain isn't over, I will fight as I do everyday. Some days I will win... some days we will be brothers, friends, even lovers... and peace, joy and happiness will be the thread of the day. Today is not that day. And for now? That will have to be ok... because, again...
This Too Shall Pass.
If you are a fellow neurodivergent? I hope you can find solace in this mantra. I hope it can bring you the peace it brings me. It gives me that momentum to drive forward, to move ahead, to roll those dice and take those chances.
I love you all and I wish you all the best... may you find the peace you so desire. May you find that comfort in knowing someone out here is on your side, whether you struggle the struggle of the neurodivergent or the struggles that neurotypicals face, we all face struggles. Let's work together, help each other, if you can't understand each other you can at least hug one another and offer a shoulder to cry on, an arm to lift one another up.
I wish you all the best. I wish you the best of the best.
May tomorrow when you wake find your dice sharing the pips of the best day of your life, but if not? If snake eyes greet you? Just know...
This. Too. Shall. Motherfucking. Pass.
You got this. You can do this.
Peace, Love, and Roll those dice...