The alarms are screaming and I almost can’t block out the noises, people are moving around at an excited pace. Cubicles exploding with stuttered exclamations of shock and fear.
“What the fuck! Server 2 is infected now!”
“Has someone pulled the cable yet? Would that even help?!”
“I’ll piss on a node if it’ll help! Can someone lock down the supply network? It’s showing signs of infection already!”
You could hear the fear in the SecOp’s voice.
It’s another hack attempt, and this one seems to be quite successful in comparison to others. It’s nothing as simple as the former DDoS attacks that everyone was used to, this was something new. We aren’t even sure we know what it is.
Files are just disappearing. Icons reappearing in their place that are flashing animations of pokemon in various stages of copulation with alphanumeric symbols. It was… disturbing on multiple levels.
Management was crawling, practically biting their nails, unsure of whether to wade in and swing fists while yelling at the I.T. crowd or cross their fingers and let the I.T. guys handle it.
If you haven’t worked in Technology Security then you aren’t aware of how insane a breach can be. Whether it’s an ignorant user, bad tech, failed software, poor security, or just bad management, it’s raw nerves and painful fear as people fight to stop the danger and keep their jobs simultaneously. Neither tends to work in some cases.
That’s why FHMG has brought you the Thin Green Line. It’s that reminder that your company, government office, brand or business sometimes sits on the brink of extinction based on the competency of your security team. Whether it’s their ability to lock things down, clean things up, or learn from a successful attack.
The mood seemed to shift and a quiet awe shifted. Someone screamed out “Oh my god yes!”
I ran over to see who said that and what I saw defied all imagination.
That little Pikachu that was performing a very illegal sexual act on 3 Japanese Kanji characters on Dave’s screen screamed in terror as a purple ball flew onscreen and nailed it dead center. The Pikachu vibrated for a moment then faded from view. Someone yelled for me and I dashed across the cubicle aisle.
There was our newest SecOp employee, Ash. His baseball cap backwards, hands flying furiously across his keyboard as if he was one with the keys. Suddenly a purple ball formed onscreen and tore offscreen no longer to be seen. Shortly after another “YES!” was heard across the office. After a few more of these I started to have hope.
It turned out that Ashes custom MasterBall app was perfect for dealing with the Pokee-mon virus we had been hit with. He got a nice little bonus, we upgraded our system, packaged his app in our services, and became the only sales team offering defense against that nasty bug. Just another day in the city of Kalos.
Get your gear here!
Do you work in IT Security? Then you OBVIOUSLY need a Thin Green Line shirt to show the world that you are that last line of defense between them and the digital apocalypse. Grab a flag for your office, a mug for your desk, a pin for your backpack and more. If you’ve got ideas for more merch that you need? Let us know. We’ll get it to you.
In the meantime, make sure your anti-virus is up to date, don’t open that email unless you know who it’s from, and for GOD’S SAKE stop browsing Facebook on the company computer!
Peace, Love and 01
We’ve all seen it.
That friend, family member, or just someone we know who is in a relationship and they do for their SO (Significant other) but that SO doesn’t ‘do’ for them?
Maybe they care for them, take care of them, clean, cook, work, etc. Maybe it’s an emotional give, maybe it’s sexual, maybe it’s something else. But it’s always one-sided.
I know that for a decade of my life I was in this kind of lifestyle. I worked 3 jobs to care for a loved one because they “couldn’t” work. Only to find out after the relationship dissolved, and my anxiety went off the charts with worry for them and their ability to care for themself, that they picked up work and did just fine. A ‘DECADE’ of my life that I consider worked to death. The amount of life I gave up for them because they couldn’t do anything only to discover they just didn’t WANT to do, and were happy for ME to do.
But… I learned a lot about myself in that time. What I was capable of.
With bipolar and ADHD you struggle with things that most people consider simplicity itself. Now, granted I didn’t know I had either at the time. But I know I never could lock down those things that most people found difficult but doable. College, Marriage, 2.5 kids, Job, Car, Vacations, Family Life, and more.
These things bewildered me. I just assumed that I sucked at ‘regular’ life. And in a way? I did.
Sure… I learned how to spin fire, I can write, draw, do photography, paint, sculpt, program in over 15 languages, build web maps, websites, graphic art, I’m ordained and do weddings, and so much more. My skillsets are legion. When it comes to creating things? I’m off the charts. But those mundane, regular life things? Mystical to me.
So those years of caregiving were stolen from me, true. But I learned that I could do ALL of that AND I did it with style. Panache. Grace and Zen.
The trick I’ve learned is the struggle has to be shared. Your SO doesn’t have to do half of X that you do. They have to BE half of the partnership. Whatever they can do, they should. Whatever they want to do, they should be allowed to do as long as it’s within the boundaries of the relationship. You have to work together. Communication should rule the day, not frustration and argumentation. If one of you is yelling at the other and you can talk calmly? The questions needs to be asked as to ‘Why?’
I’ve never understood yelling at an equal.
Whether it’s an employee, partner, child, or otherwise. All humans are equal. So what gives one human the right to yell at another? What gives one human the right to raise their voice at another? What special privilege allows one human to demean the spirit of another human and require submission by the other outside of a D/s relationship?
Sure, if you are a Dom and they are your submissive and they ENJOY that kind of dynamic? Yell as much as they want. But no child, employee, nor partner deserves to be yelled at.
Ever.
Period.
This is a shared struggle, this life. This path we all share is a human experience with no rules, no guarantees, nothing that says one person deserves more rights than another so why do some people assume more rights than another? This is why I embrace anarchism as an ideology. It equalizes all humans and demands equal treatment.
So share your struggle with your partner. Demand they do the same. Don’t be left holding the tools, doing all the work, carrying all the load. If it’s not shared? Then you are a babysitter of an adult child. And if so? I hope you are getting paid for that service.
Sex can be a key component of a relationship. Not always, there are asexual relationships. Asexual partners.
Fly those asexual flags and make those relationships work. Hell, there’s aromatic relationships as well.
The point is, equity is what is important. But… for the sake of this post, I want to discuss sexual equity. If your relationship is a sexual one, I wanted to discuss the sexual dynamic as I’ve seen it played out at the club, in my friends lives, and more.
Too often I hear in the BDSM community, especially from new submissives, that their Dom expects their submission to come in the terms of ‘taking care of the Dom’ and any sexual release of the submissive is left for the submissive to handle on their own after the Dom is fast asleep, or headed out to the bar after the scene.
I just kinda try really hard to hide my shocked face when this comes up.
But it’s not just BDSM that this comes up in. I know plenty of vanilla and ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamists) who find partners that seem to find some way to justify getting off at the expense of their partner and then leaving their partner to care for their own needs sans them (without them involved).
Bullshit.
There are situations where this might fly. If your partner has some sort of medical situation, struggles to get off, can’t seem to get past their anxiety, or whatever… and they require a soft touch and sometimes can’t function and sometimes hit their point and can’t assist? Sure. I can get behind that. However, this is why vibrators were invented. This is why the dildo was created. This is why the pocket pussy was made.
If your partner gets off and then can’t, for WHATEVER reason get you off with their body? Maybe they have arthritis and their hands don’t work right? Maybe they have ED and their penis doesn’t function? Maybe they have a prolapsed vagina and sex is painful after orgasm?
Have them … Use. A. Toy.
Sex isn’t about service. Loving sex isn’t. Sure, again, there are situations where service sex can BE about service. Hell, there is birthday sex, quickies, dirty backseat car sex where only one person can POSSIBLY get off because someone is pulling up next to you in the parking lot and holy shit we have to go right now!!!
But… if your partner is CONSTANTLY leaving you to take care of yourself? A conversation is necessary. A hard discussion needs to be had. It doesn’t have to be EQUAL. Not everyone CAN meet you halfway physically, emotionally, mentally… this is what EQUITY means.
Equity : the quality of being fair and impartial.
A paralyzed partner can’t do as much for you physically, but emotionally and mentally they can still meet you. They can still be a part of your world and connect, and if you want a meaningful relationship with someone that isn’t your equal in all aspects of their humanity and yours? You need to work together to create the equitable connection.
Find the connection point, how to meet, how to make those needs get met in a way that everyone can walk away happy and content as possible.
If I’ve learned anything in my ‘almost’ 50 years of life it’s that communication stabilizes EVERY type of relationship. Whether it’s business, personal, familial, or whatever. Talk. About. It.
In one of my favorite book series, the Wheel of TIme, Eye of the World, Chapter 3, the father (Tam Al’Thor) of my favorite character (Rand Al’Thor) is discussing heretical topics with another character (Padan Fain). Padan Fain tries to sway the conversation away saying they shouldn’t discuss such things, to which Tam Al’Thor says, "I never saw or heard or smelled anything that couldn't be talked about."
Truer words were never spoken.
Deciding that certain topics are off limits is how resentment, discouragement, impatience, unhappiness and much worse begins to grow within the heart of those around. If you want to create the cracks that will dissolve a relationship just declare that you will not discuss certain things, ever.
There is literally no reason for this.
So talk… find a safe way to talk and talk.
Get a marriage counselor, find an unbiased third party and talk, get a union rep and talk… but talk.
Nothing improves by ignoring it.
You can do this Blinksters. You got this. The world is open and exploding before you eyes. The stars are revolving around your very world.
Find your power, find your peace, find your voice, and speak.
I believe in you.
Peace, Love and Articulation
So in November of 2019, a week before Thanksgiving, the company I was working for bungled things quite nicely and lost not one major client... but a couple (from what I've heard). This resulted in them being forced to lay off almost their entire team of people who did what I did.
Working in IT for 20+ years I knew what this meant. November was when most IT departments started emptying for the winter holiday vacations. Nobody was going to be hiring. I signed up for unemployment, for the first time in my 47 years of life, and hunkered down to wait through the holidays.
January rolled around and I had roughly 6 interviews lined... when... you guessed it. COVID!
It was like the end of days.
I went from doing a couple photoshoots every month, blogging fairly regularly, building a website every month or so for a client, drawing regularly, and writing in one of my books almost weekly... to...
Everything crashed.
Basically, if I had to sum it up... and I will, just to save this post from de-evolving into boredom, 2020 became nothing but me stressing about unemployment and covid. I didn't know if Me, or someone I loved, was going to die. I didn't know how unemployment worked and when it was going to end. I didn't know how I was going to pay for my medicine, my wife's medicine, nor anything else needed to keep a household above water. 2020 was the year of stress.
2021 finally made it around. Vaccinations came around. Sex was creeping back into my life fairly regularly. I was started to, if not balance out, at least stop it's mad descent into the planets surface at a million miles an hour.
I was starting to breathe... kinda.
One of the more fun projects I got to work on was my younger brothers website. He's a local chiropractor that specializes in sports injuries. He's developed a video training course with another movement specialist and wanted to start a website for his personal clinic AND offer the video course through the website.
So I got to help him!
The site turned out fantastic.
I've been studying for an insurance license to sell insurance, while still planning to get my photography business off the ground eventually and without dropping my website building business. On top of all of this I have personal plans. This website has been one that is YEARS in the making. I love to write, I love sharing the fun and weirdness that is my life. I always thought I was just an odd soul that stumbled into strange things. Now? I think my bipolar / adhd might have a tad bit to do with it.
But the next few things on my list are to get this site up fully running and pushing my photography. Then my web business site running smooth. I'll save the URL for that for later. But I have plans for pushing my religion, mythology, magical and mystical studies onto the web as well in the form of my church. Because I am, after all, an ordained Reverend.
A Reverend DOES need a church after all.
My goal is to turn a lot of the ideas I've had over the years into products that people can enjoy. I've shared some of the thoughts in my head over the years and people have said I should make those things. So now I'm finally doing this.
But I'm also tired of seeing the shitshow that is the political arena in my country and not having a place to share my voice where I can't be censored. SO... I'm working on my own political party website.
So... now I have a place to post about my random life... my religious opinions... and my political stances... I've got another one under construction for my squirrel tendencies, but it'll be a little further out. Another for my Lovecraftian fascinations... I might have a few more. I'm hoping to find likeminded individuals, Blinksters, or whatever that want to collaborate or join forces, or start a Pirate crew and make this all come together.
If you're interested, let me know.
In the meantime... I have been struggling with mental health issues... it's a tough time of year right now, and I can only do what I can do. I'm trying to get more posts out, more products put together, and develop more creative work altogether but life will only allow a certain amount of productivity apparently.
I hope you are doing well, being cool, and living the best life you have.
Peace, Love and Construction
So we’ve all been there… Well, at least we probably have if you’re reading this blog. You’re messaging with someone you either know or just met and that moment pops up where you decide to make that (potentially life-altering) decision to send a pic… of your no-no area. Your junk. Your privates.
A Nude!
That’s right. It’s scary, right? Are they gonna respond appropriately? Are they gonna laugh? Are they gonna wanna see a live version? But the problem here is most people don’t ask that most important of questions…
Are they gonna share your photo on their Facebook group? Their Tumblr blog? Their MySpace account?
What?! People still use MySpace… REAL people… not just bots.
They do.
Trust me.
ANYWAY… it’s a very real possibility that this is gonna get shared. GLOBALLY!
And continue to trust me here, but it’s also possible that a prospective job interviewer will google you and stumble across this image.
ACK!
So what is a beautiful naked body supposed to do?! You NEED to share this, right? They need to see this. It’s important… or something.
Let’s just say that the ‘randomblink’ has a few tips for all you digital exhibitionists…
That’s right. If your intention is to show the sexy bits, let’s protect your identity and keep your face out of it. Crop in your smile if you have to, include everything downwards towards your feet, but… NO FACE!
Maybe you want to Snapchat a little bit of text on that sexy pic. Tell your potential amore what this picture makes you think about them. Share a meaningful bit of information about the image, or yourself, or the moment that the pic was taken… but make sure you sanitize that text!
No real names… usernames are just fine.
No phone numbers! NO PHONE NUMBERS! You wouldn’t write your name and number on the bathroom stall wall in a public restroom, so don’t leave your number where it could possibly end up in anyones hands across the GLOBE!
Most phones take pictures these days and include a tiny bit of text that could REALLY make your day a sad one. The GPS location of where it was taken. Which might be fine for your significant other, but… what if it gets out of their hands somehow? A prank from a friend, a slip-up on an unforgiving social media app, or worse… a hack!
Turn off your GPS… or get an app that SPECIFICALLY takes pictures that are GPS-FREE!
You really don’t want Bubba the Local Stalker to stumble across a picture of your naughty bits that includes a map to your house.
I promise.
Watermark it. Earthmark it. Airmark it. Firemark it.
I don’t care which one of the elements you choose… but MARK YOUR PHOTO!
What is a Watermark? It’s basically some form of image placed on a photograph (or image) for tracking purposes. It could be the name of the person you are sending the photo to. The group you are sharing the photo in. The social media account you share the image with. It really doesn’t matter. Because when that photo pops up on your parents Facebook account, you are going to want to know who shared that private pic with the world at large and your family in the end.
If you plan on shooting that photo of your birthday suit out into the digital ether just make sure you do yourself a favor… don’t kid yourself. It will be shared. It WILL be shared. Maybe not on purpose, maybe not maliciously, maybe completely by accident… but It. Will. Be. Shared.
So don’t kid yourself into thinking that your best guy Jimmy wouldn’t do that, or Tanya loves you more than that, because It. Will. Be. Shared.
So feel free… be confident… send away…
Just be careful.
Be safe.
While you’re making the internet a more sexy place, make sure your world stays safe in the process…
Have fun, get naked, and here’s my email so you can send me a copy… nudesforfun@randomblink.com
Peace, Love and Imagery
I see it daily in the Facebook poly or non-monogamy groups. It’s usually a man, rarely a woman, but the message is so familiar and confusing to me.
“I've been looking for X days/weeks/months and nobody responds. My partner is inundated with potential partners but I can’t find anyone but scammers or people interested in hookups! Where is my <insert hearts desire in their lifestyle choice>.”
I get it. It can be rough. Starting out, introverts, new to the lifestyle, most males, not traditionally attractive, or just plain desperate individuals have a hard time... because it shows. It shows when they meet someone, it shows on their dating profile on the apps, it sits on them like a clown suit and not many people find it attractive. Honestly, they really wouldn’t want anyone that DOES find it attractive.
There are thousands of dating experts that can guide you to finding a date. How to meet chicks, find a girl/guy, win the person of your dreams! They all make promises but they all have algorithms or use psychological tricks and rely on shady aspects of human interactions. I can share what works for me, but you might not want what I want. So let me share what I’ve learned. What I’ve seen in the lifestyles I’ve been in.
The most common problem, but not the only one, is impatience. For a lot of women in the poly lifestyle they can post an ad on a dating app and, literally, within an hour have hundreds of matches and a date setup for that evening. If they fit the modern or traditional beauty standards that society has set, within a certain height and weight ratio, then those numbers go up incrementally. If they just want a hookup or "No Strings Attached" playdate? Those numbers grow exponentially.
Meanwhile, their spouse or partner, might go months without anything more than a nibble. Or worse, several matches that result in nothing more than people that call them a cheater and then un-match them, or worse, report them on the app.
What I have experienced, and seen, is that patience wins the days. If you can relax and don't let this search become your sole purpose of existence, then your whole life is going to be better.
Yes, I get it. You are lonely / focused / horny / whatever. But here's something to consider. Do you want to find someone to add to your life who was empty that you had to fill? Or would you want a partner that was full where you came into their world as someone that added to their joy? Because those are two completely different relationships.
Even if you are just looking for someone that enjoys an occasional physical rendezvous, and you aren't looking for a romantic partner, you really don't want to find someone desperate. They aren't going to make a good lover. They'll make someone that is frantic, terrible in bed, desperate for approval, and quite possibly stalkerish after the physical tryst.
No... You do not want this in your life. Trust me. AND you do not want to BE that person. So take some time, focus on what you want, and give yourself a better shot at find the who you want to be AND the who you want to find.
You got this.
You have chosen the non-monogamous lifestyle because you have a desire for more. Whether it's more sex, more love, more partners, more experiences, whatever. More is in your vocabulary and your path didn't fit current societal standards.
Good for you. Welcome to Anarchy Level 1.
So let's a take a quick second and look at ourselves. What are we? What makes us tick? What are we offering to a potential partner / playdate? Are we a hot mess? So lonely that we can't function? Are we struggling to survive without someone to talk with? Someone to do something with? Do we need someone to validate our very existence? Are we happy with who we are? Do we have a solid selection of hobbies and interests? Outlets for our creative side? Are we comfortable with who we are?
I'm not saying we have to have perfected every aspect of our existence before we search out someone to spend time with. But we need to at least know what we are working with. We need to make sure that we are ready to be searching for the level of connection that we think we are ready for.
Dig deep and find those pieces of yourself that maybe you buried before you entered the non-monogamous reality. Are you a writer, crafter, reader, gamer, etc? Do you make, build, or create things? What about exercise? Do you walk, run, skate, bike? Re-engage those parts of who you have been that made you happy in your past. Find who you are now by exploring who you were.
A lot of times we will find that some of the emptiness we feel comes from a lack of fulfillment in ALL of our life, not just that polyamorous side of ourselves. I'm not saying your poly hunger is because you stopped reading those books, or going for walks. I'm saying that if you can rediscover the things that filled you up before, then when you DO find someone to add to your world you will not only have someone to do something with but... something to do with them, besides the fun stuff (obviously!).
When you are desperate... I mean just starting out it's easy to get excited at the first nibble of interest. But if you have ever been fishing and you feel that first nibble, if you react too quickly, you've already failed. You've scared away any interested party. You have to learn the zen of dating. It's a simple mantra. Are you ready?
Communicate. Don't fixate.
I'm not saying to play games with those who show an interest. Just don't assume that someone showing interest is automatically your soulmate.
Also... don't put all your profiles in one app.
There are so many more... Create profiles everywhere, forget about profiles, make profiles for fun, whimsical profiles... because trust me. If you are frustrated and finding yourself at the end of your rope in your "search" for a date/SO/partner/whatever? You need a freaking break. Finding someone that connects with you in the way you need a connection shouldn't be driving you to post.
It should be something that is just another part of your world. Like a hobby.
But like all things on this site, this IS just my opinion. So feel free to take it, or leave it, as is. Just know that I've been there... I've had nobody messaging me, nobody texting me, nobody breaking down my door, and I was hungry for that 'more.' Yes, I was happily married with a new daughter... that didn't stop my heart from wanting something that wasn't there, something that neither my wife nor my daughter, nor my friends, nor my family could provide...
And in many different ways, over many different years, I have found it.
So if you're still following along, and you wanna give the Blinkster approach a try? Populate some profiles on some apps. Have fun with them. Don't worry about turning away some potential partners, because 'trust me' even your best profile will turn some away sometimes too. Remember, everyone has good days, bad days, good moments, and bad moments.
These apps that you are creating profiles on? You are literally expecting someone to be in the middle of their perfect moment, to see your picture popup, and then to take the time to read through your profile and think... Yes. I WILL swipe right.
Most likely, they are waiting at the elevator, talking to a coworker, checking their email, accidentally click on the app, up pops the app, up pops your picture and in that moment they have 2/3rds of a second to decide... Swipe right or left... and there's a HIGH LIKELIHOOD that their coworker is gonna jostle their arm and your profile just got swiped left.
Fishing 101.
Relax.
Create some fun pics, have some friends take some fun pics, take a few serious ones, maybe get a boudoir shoot done? Hell, I offer boudoir shoots. If you don't enjoy putting together your profile, then you aren't going to enjoy the dating scene most likely. Things have changed from the days when your answering machine cassette tape could mangle any chance you had of getting that call back.
It's a whole new world. Breathe. Relax. Have fun.
I'll cover this topic more. But these tips are really the basics I try to share in the groups I'm in when I see these kinds of posts. It's frustrating to watch people, who could easily be finding what they are looking for, struggle to even find a chat buddy.
Believe it or not... It's not your weight, it's not your illness, it's not your hair (or lack thereof), it's not your orientation, it's not your anything... It's your desperation.
Nobody wants to be someone's EVERYTHING... Not even in monogamy. We all want to have our lives and SHARE THAT LIFE with someone else, not BE THAT LIFE for someone else.
You got this.
Peace, Love and Confidence
Have you ever stopped and wondered... how stupid am I?
No... Not how stupid am I... how stupid are you!?
Like... you maybe just fired off a text to your significant other, a friend, a boss, or someone important in your life, but you didn't double check that autocorrect hadn't fucked you over first... and of course, autocorrect HAD (in fact) fucked you over... so now what was a benign intended message now looks like either a mental case cry for help or an X-rated booty call.
Or maybe you were putting together that bookshelf you bought at IKEA and the end result looks more that last game of Jenga that you lost because you were too drunk to know that Jenga wasn't a game you should be playing while drunk.
Thinking we are stupid is something I believe is important. It ranks right up there with questioning our own sanity. Only the insane are certain they are sane. Only those embarking on evil quests are 100% assured in everything they are doing. And only the completely ignorant are 100% positive they are 100% right.
Well... this post is just for you. If you've ever thought you might be dumb... and you were embarrassed, for WHATEVER the reason, I want you to let it go. Because you too can take the intelligence test and find out how smart you are. Just get ahold of the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montreal_Cognitive_Assessment
45 sang us all a song of how powerful this test is and how goodest it is and how we all should be grateful that he was tested and how it proved how smart and wonderful he was. So sit back, enjoy and you're welcome.
The fun doesn't end here tho... Once you've seen the video, you're gonna want a commemorative shirt.
Well, sit down Blinkster fans... we have them ready for you.
If you've been looking for proof of your genius brain then this shirt is definitely one way to show it. Only the best people wear this shirt. Only the best people buy this shirt. Get yours before they run out!
I know... You can't click the button and pay fast enough... but it's ok... Just order 12, one for each day of the week and 4 other days in case you spill something on your shirt on those other days, because... tacos... I mean, am I right?
My whole point is... Don't feel stupid.
You aren't. You are. I am. I'm not.
It's ok. We all make mistakes, just take a breather... pick yourself up, apologize if you've hurt someone else, try to make it better, try to not hurt anyone again, and move forward... focus on the tacos if you have to focus on anything because, tacos, right?
Life is too short to focus on the wrong things. We all fuck up. Just don't be the person that can't admit you fucked up. That's what causes the problems.
Live, Laugh, Camera, TV...
TW: sexual abuse / rape
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I served jury duty recently. Ended up being brought up in the selection group for two separate trials that involved rape. I wasn't selected to serve on the trial and I thought I would share why I believe I wasn't.
The defense lawyers in both trials ended up asking me, personally, as they went around the room with their questions meant to weed out jurors, something along the line of... "If you were a beautiful woman, and I placed my hand on your leg at a club would you feel that your consent was violated?"
To which I replied yes.
Now both lawyers felt the need to ask me whether I would be shocked to know that Oklahoma state law doesn't list that as sexual assault. I knew that. I understand that if I walked up to a woman and entered her space in a public place, and put my hand on her legs, arms, neck or even hair that I could walk away without very much concern for my future.
But I would still have violated her consent.
Consent
noun
permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.verb
Definitions from Oxford Languages
give permission for something to happen.
Consent is what separates us from the animals. A thinking human shares their desires and interests and says this is what I want from you and this is what I will give of myself to you. The other human says this is what I want from you and this is what I will give of myself to you. And then they get to it.
Sometimes this is something as simple as... "Wanna fuck?" followed by a nod of the head while other times it can involve complicated legal documents, religious ceremonies, an exchange of rings and ritualistic vows of fidelity and forgoing any further sexual activities with any other human again.
I'm gonna recommend avoiding that last one.
Animals have hormonal drives, imperatives that create states of mind that humans have (mostly) evolved away from. Certain animals enter heat cycles where their bodies literally send them into a mating frenzy, of sorts, and they seek out partners to mate with. Insects and birds also have mating rituals that range from nest building to eating their mating partners heads. Nature isn't boring.
But humans have this distinct advantage that allows us to enter a whole new dimension. We have language. We can identify needs vs wants, share ideas, present concepts, and generally do so much more than animals that we stand far above them in most regards. So in the arena of consent, we outpace them. Therefore, it's important that make sure we utilize our powers correctly by asking for consent from those we are interested in, and granting our consent to those who we would like to engage with.
The legal definition of consent differs from state to state. In general, consent is an active, verbal agreement to engage in sexual activity with someone. Sexual activity without your consent is rape or sexual assault. If you are underage, under the influence of alcohol or other drugs, or sleeping, you do not have the capacity to give consent. If someone pressures, tricks, or emotionally forces you to agree to sexual activity, this is considered sexual coercion.
Understand the language. (n.d.). Retrieved April 12, 2021, from https://www.mycallisto.org/cresources/language?gclid=Cj0KCQjw38-DBhDpARIsADJ3kjm3KPtuOPCR7dNlIIRIFmmbT3SSN0a_Zwo-fx0_Rai17E56AWNVWB0aAlCWEALw_wcB
In those trials, something that came up alot was the concept of 'Force and Fear' which was something I've known about for awhile but was fairly shocked that most of my fellow jurors were completely clueless about. The prosecution explained that, no... the victim didn't say out loud a yes or no, but consent was still not given. This confused way more people than I felt comfortable sitting next to.
Apparently the ideas that another human could make you afraid enough to just go along with something like forcefully sexually molesting you was something these people had never had to wrap their tiny minds around. Sure, the 'Force' part they got.
Strong people take.
But being so afraid that you can't at least SAY no? That seemed to baffle them.
Force and fear (Scot.) that amount of constraint or compulsion which is enough to annul an engagement or obligation entered into under its influence
Chambers's Twentieth Century Dictionary
I know people who have been raped. As recent as 2021. Friends, lovers, partners, and even family.
Consent is everything to me. It's a core concept to how I operate. There might be things I do that others look at askance, I have kinks that are not socially accepted, and if you want to judge me it's your right but you can fuck right off... but... I stand behind the kink community's common phrase of 'Safe, Sane and Between Consensual Adults.'
But I can guarantee you that if I am ever accused of rape, it will be an outright lie.
I've had willing sexual partners that have gotten agitated because I checked with them multiple times over whether something was ok. Because I sensed that there was body language that suggested they weren't ok. I would rather check when it wasn't necessary than NOT check when it was.
I have so much more to say on this topic, but this makes for a great start.
If you are pursuing a sexual activity with another person... ask.
If someone asks you if you would like to engage in sexual activity with them... answer.
Body language conversations are great, for established relationships... but... In. My. Personal. Opinion... Unless you want to take a chance on a rape trial as either a victim or a potential rapist? Take a few moments and have a simple conversation.
- Wanna fuck? - Sure.
Problem solved.
If you, or someone you love, or even someone you don't give a shit about, has been sexually abused? Contact the authorities. If someone is too afraid to go to the police make sure they contact the national sexual abuse hotline and talk with professionals who can help them find the assistance they will need.
https://www.rainn.org/resources
Peace, Love and Consensual Sex